Monday, June 23, 2008

Tight Rope

I am hoping that after this first sentence writing this will get easier. I have had a very difficult time trying to get myself to post this week. I obviously didn't do very well. Do you ever have those times when you feel like your walking a tight rope? You are holding steady, even if your a little shaky, but you know with a gust of wind or loss of concentration you will fall. That is me these last few days. Every time I went to post, I could feel those turbulent emotions under the surface start to rumble and became afraid of what might come out. So I sit still, breathing in and out until the moments pass and I can direct my attention to something more comforting. Starting my blog in Feb. was the first writing I had done in close to ten years, for this exact reason. I was always so afraid what would come out. Then I begin to fear the feeling of fear when I would think about it. So I put it on the shelf, so to speak.


I have been doing quite well the past while, learning the right balance for myself. Learning how to listen to my body and to my mind. It takes a lot of energy to maintain and function with my health, but I am doing it little by little. The truth however, is that I am kind of at my threshold. Walking that tight rope. When something comes up or goes wrong It can throw me right off, and it takes me a long time to get my balance back. Most of the time it is a bad cold or not being able to get my prescriptions in time, but this is a big one. And I am scared.

I went to my doctors appointment Friday, and was told at check in that my insurance had expired! I had been waiting for the renewal letter for months and had received other letters making me think it was still in place. Apparently it had come while I was in AZ and was set aside in one of many piles of mail that I never realized were there. I finally did find it yesterday. The letter was unmarked, no return address and looked like junk mail. Regardless my insurance ended without me renewing it in time. It takes three weeks for the renewal to process once I send it in today, which would be ok if my prescriptions weren't due to be filled tomorrow.

Let me just say that it has taken several years for me to get a good combo of meds and doses. And they aren't cheap. At the end of March, Doug's contract work ended with only 4 days warning. Luckily he found a job quickly but we did go 3 weeks without pay. With me not able to work, this left us a bit behind and have not yet been able to catch up. He doesn't get paid til Friday, and 4 days without my meds would probably hospitalize me. To add to everything my parents left on a 2 week cruise and tour of Italy and Greece on Tues. so are completely out of touch. I have a hard time when my mumsy is away. She is the person I talk with, rant to, figure things out with. She is my stress reducer. Doug doesn't like when she is away either lol. I do have Bertha, my little feline friend but she isn't very good with the feedback part of the relationship.

Part of me is ashamed and angry for making such a huge mistake. The other part knows that I really do everything I can and it just happened. I have two clashing emotions, one of intense fear and shame of what tomorrow will bring, and a sense of calm knowing that getting worked up won't solve anything. The calm part is a testament to how much I have grown and improved, mostly made possible by my medication. That calm will disappear emotionally and physically if I have to go without. I keep thinking a solution will arise as long as I do everything I can and allow that calm side to guide me through.


I was able to accomplish a few things though including getting all my long over due packages put together and mailed. Without that weighing on my mind I was able to make some progress on my little quilts, which really are a joy once I get myself to start working on them. We also went to a show at the Boston Pops Friday night which was wonderful. We got the tickets way back before the job change, and after realizing my new problem Friday it was great to be able to get away for a few hours. I took this photo from the cab on the way to symphony hall.

I also received 3 swap/giveaway packages this week which also cheered me up. I am really able to appreciate how positive blogging has been for my life creatively and in helping me keep a positive attitude despite all the curve balls life has thrown me lately. The packages were wonderful. I will show everything soon, as well as Pops photos. I really just wanted to get myself to write something which I am glad I have done. But this is about all I can muster for now. Getting some sleep will probably be the best thing for me now, so I can get that renewal form off first thing. Thanks for bearing with me through this. As many commenters said on my anxiety post, writing things out (especially with my family out of reach) can also be great therapy for a difficult situation plus a prayer or 50!
Photos and more craftiness very soon. Love Stacy

13 comments:

Lily Boot said...

oh stacy! I really feel for you in your current situation. I so hope that everything sorts itself out nice and quick with as little pain as possible - I don't want to sound trite, because I do appreciate the fear of the moment. But, I do find it helps to remind myself that this too will pass - it may be horrible at the moment, and difficult to come but there will be an end to it and you will come out the other side - perhaps shaky and bruised and a few paces back, but whole. poor, poor you - you have such a dreadfully unsupportive health system!

Jacquie said...

Stacy,
Just know that lots of positive blog energy is coming your way. One step at a time, girl. Take good care.

Nanette Merrill and daughters said...

You know all of us have feelings like you express. You are just braver to share them than most of us. I don't know why life is like this but life is mostly full of "harder" days than easier days. Its ok to show you are human like all of us. Its ok to show emotion. If I blogged about some of the things that happen at our house or what I go through people would be afraid, at least thats what I think. But really, people are understanding and loving at the core and we all know how you must feel and we feel the same way somedays, just about different things. I'm sorry you're going through this. I'll remember you in my prayers. And really right now prayer is the only thing you have to help strengthen you. You've done what you can do. I hope the insurance thing works out quickly. I am sure this is very hard. Try to relax. It is upsetting. And just know that things always work out in the end, it make take a bit but it will work out.
nanette

pinsandthimbles said...

The ladies above said it all pretty well, I just wanted to add some big bear (((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) of my own. You'll get through this!

Kenningtons said...

Stacy, I can certainly feel your stress all the way over here! I hope things work themselves out but until then I will be praying for you. I hope that will lighten your burdens.

upstateLisa said...

Take a deep breath. I have faith that things will work out. It will probably take a little time. We al have days like yours.

Tipper said...

Oh Stacy-I wish there was something I could do-other than pray which I will. Just writing the post seems like a huge hurdle crossed-and I just know the rest will be crossed by you too. Remember-you said it yourself-how far you have come.

RobinE said...

You are so brave, Stacy! Life is crazy sometimes. Why is it that stuff like this always seemingly happens all at once? Take some deep breaths, and know that you're going to get through this. Like the others said above, it might take some time, but it will be okay. You will be okay.

Tamar said...

Stacy, do NOT beat yourself up over the letter mix-up - seriously, these things just happen! I am super extra organized (everyone teases me about it!) and I do this type of thing at least once a year. Please be gentle with yourself and take good care - and keep us posted!

BigCat said...

Hey Stacy. I've been offline myself a bit lately and I totally relate to what you are saying. It's like if you can't say what's really eating you then you have nothing to really say, and then you don't want to start on what is really eating you in case you open the flood gates.

I love your honesty and your ability to put it out there. I am sending universal good vibes your way and hoping it all sorts itself out as soon as possible. Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself and tell Bertha to give you lots of cuddles.

Talk soon
Cathy

Blossom said...

gosh...I could have written your post....
I feel for you girl...I really do....

Somedays its just one breath at a time.....

aussie hugs

Wyoming Mom said...

Lady, you are amazing. I can understand exactly how you are feeling and can tell you that you are handling it all perfectly. No one could do better. It is fantastic to see your progress and wonderful that you feel like you can share those feelings. Good for you. We are praying for you! Love you lots!

Chocolate Cat said...

Sending you lots of love and prayers xx